I don't really get depressed. Like I kind of don't understand it. Maybe that's not normal. As long as there's a guitar to fiddle around with and a room where I can shut the door I'm pretty happy. I am however nuts in completely different ways. Maybe a little OCD and I've always had little rituals when doing things. Never thought about it until I saw some shows on people with OCD. Never had an addiction problem. I've done pretty much every drug you can think of except for crack and just gave it all up one day before I was 20. Stopped smoking when I was 28, never really was a heavy smoker. I also think LSD and other spiritual (for a lack of a better term) experiences gave me a different outlook on life. Never had to do it (LSD) again after the several times I did in my youth, but the perspective stays with you. That perspective says that there's more to life than materialism and meaningless things, like career, that we associate our entire identify with. Not that I didn't pursue a career, I've just never taken it overly serious or confused my identity with my job - other than always doing my best job and having pride in my work. I also had a short stint with religion in my early twenties (a common path for people coming out of drug culture) but found it stifling to my intellectual and spiritual growth. It also takes away from that awesome appreciation of nature and the universe and reduces it for me to something silly. But the basic values have also always stuck with me, empathy, helping people that are worse off than me. But I've never been without issues either. I've always been attracted to risk and danger, which accounts for some of the sports I've pursued. But also contributed to trouble I used to get in as a kid. I've always battled aggressive behavior, used to get in fights in high school, or being impatient with other people. But I found that exercise evens out my mental states. And growing older helps a lot. You just mellow out. And with my son I turn into a different person. I'm usually selfish by nature, but with my son as a single father some weird instinct kicks in where I'm never too tired to cook his meals, help him iron his clothes if he's running late, or drive him all over town. I've been looking at myself from the outside for the last 18 years asking, where in the hell did that come from? I grew up in California, which wasn't so diverse when I was young, but in my twenties at college and my first job I met people from all backgrounds and different countries. Working in IT for years I've always worked with Indians, Russians, Chinese, Vietnamese, Armenians, etc. As soon as I met women of different ethnic backgrounds I dated as many as possible. Just attracted to and interested in people with different backgrounds from my own. I don't know how I would survive in a homogeneous environment with only people like myself. That would be like that Night Gallery episode where one man's heaven and was another's hell. Different cultures keep me healthy and curious about life outside of my own experience. Same with traveling. You can't just sit in your own shit your whole life. Other than that I have great friends. I don't have any of my friends from school days (other than a couple I've reconnected with on Facebook), but people I've connected with in the last twenty or so years with common interests. And now we're lifelong friends. Some are single, some are married, I was married, now not. But the core of friends are always there. Relationships, that's the last thing I have to master. Longest one was 10 years, with my son's mother. Last one was 4 years. It's just problematic when you have a kid, that is never going to be the priority for them that it is for you. And also when I'm pursuing other goals in life, relationships are draining. Creatively and energy-wise. I'm finding friends with benefits is a great way to go through life for now. And if I ever wanted to settle down it can't be with the age gaps I've been dating in recent years (20 years younger).
Am I crazy? What do you think? - just look at that paragraph I just wrote. Why did I write it? I don't know. Maybe trying to figure out if I have any mental conditions. We're all just groping through the darkness trying to find our way.
